The Biggest Loser : .NET Addict Edition

This year I decided that I needed to lose 30 pounds before I arrive at Apple's Worldwide Developer Conference (WWDC) in San Francisco. I started on April 1st so I basically have 2 months to lose 30 pounds. Here's how I'm progressing so far:

Week 1 - 5 pounds
Week 2 - 4 pounds
Week 3 - 3 pounds

I know that the loss is tapering off, but I've lost, regained, and relost this particular 30 pounds so many times before that I know there's a plateau period and that I can average 3 pounds per week given my exercise schedule. One thing that I wanted to talk about in this blog post, which is usually something I feel really uncomfortable talking about, is Food Addiction.

Food Addiction

When I talk about food addiction, I'm not talking about cravings, or even strong desires. I'm talking about cold, hard, chemically-induced pleasure in response to eating food. Some people joke around and say things like, "I'm so addicted to chocolate!" or "I'm addicted to popcorn!" or whatever - they're misusing the word addicted. These people don't really know what its like to be addicted to food - which is an addiction that is as powerful as alcoholism or any other drug addiction.

Storytime kids:

When I was pretty young, there were people that I looked up to, people that I sought approval from. Those people abused me and taught me how to feel helpless and molded and shaped me through their abuse until, at some point, I decided that life was easier if I never asserted myself, never argued with anyone, never disagreed, never gave my opinion, and, more importantly, never felt entitled to anything. Food became the one way in which I could reward myself, the one thing that I could have control over that nobody else could take from me. This is where the addiction to food started. At some point, the psychosomatic pleasure reaction to food truly became chemical and I felt empty when not eating food - food became the thing that filled me and made me feel whole. Once food became a coping mechanism for me, I coped with further abuse by eating more, and even coped with being called a "fat f*ck" by loved  ones by...eating more. Sure, I could've tried to make healthier choices, but in the situation I was in, it just never occurred me. When you're young, you're invincible and nobody gives a crap about eating Big Macs and nobody ever tells you about bad things like High Fructose Corn Syrup and Partially Hydrogenated whatevers... and nobody tells you that, as a teenager who already has a food addiction, its probably a bad idea to work at Wendy's, McDonalds, or Burger King (I worked at all three places throughout high school).

Fast forward a few years to modern times... Now, every day is a constant struggle to avoid going over the edge. I've been told by recovering alcoholics that all day long they see visions of themselves - of what it would look like to lose control, just for one moment - how quickly they could hit bottom and binge out of control. I feel the same way ... every day, several times per day, I'm haunted by visions of what would happen if I lost control and gave in and let the addicted portion of my brain rule... I see myself binging out of control, like that scene in The Meaning of Life when Mr. Creosote eats just one more wafer-thin mint and explodes, covering all the restaurant patrons in exploded human and half-digested food. That's what I see every day, only a less exaggerated, but equally grotesque version based in reality that ends with paramedics being called. Its like those fantasy books where the hero constantly has visions of his own death. I am painfully aware of the fact that if I ever "let go", I could quite probably kill myself with food.

So here I sit... I weigh 110 pounds less than I did in college, and 12 pounds less than I did 3 weeks ago. I know I don't normally put personal stuff like this up on the blog but I feel that I'm probably not the only person out there with issues like this and hopefully, through me overcoming my own addiction, slowly over time, others might find the courage to do the same.

Oh, and another tip: Whether you're 10 or 100 or anywhere in between, never give anyone else power over your own self-esteem.

tags: food  addiction  weight  weightloss  diet  

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