Vacation-Induced Anxiety

Taking a vacation around the holidays is always a risky proposition. Despite it being the "happiest time of year" (or so the song says), it is often anything but - especially when you have family visiting ;) (just kidding mom!)

For me, taking a vacation is a struggle to retain my own sanity. I need to be creating or learning in order to stay sane, otherwise my body starts to reject my own vital organs and I become the poster boy for anti-anxiety medication. Case in point, after two days without writing any code (not just no interesting code, but no code whatsoever) I started pacing, I found it difficult to concentrate or focus, and was cranky and irritable. If you've ever tried quitting smoking, you will recognize these symptoms as withdrawal symptoms.

The problem that I have with vacations is that it typically takes me 4-5 full days before the anxiety of code withdrawal is over with and I have "context switched" from work mode. For me, "work mode" is a state of existence in which my thirst for knowledge is insatiable and my drive to code is borderline obsessive-compulsive. I'm not making any judgements about whether this is good or bad - that's just the way it is. By the time I have successfully withdrawn from normal code-learn-repeat mode, its time to go back to work.

People like me can't really take short vacations. If I'm going to take a real, honest, relaxing vacation, I need to take it in two phases. First phase is where I handle the withdrawal symptoms at home with my laptop nearby to give me comfort in my time of need. Second phase would be, after 4 or 5 days of withdrawal, then I go off and go somewhere fun like Disneyworld or Hawaii or wherever normal people to go to have fun these days :)

I remember a couple of days ago, I was sitting at the dining room table enjoying a relaxing cup of coffee watching the New Jersey transit trains go by. I was nearly done with the withdrawal symptoms and then I hit Google Reader and saw 119 new blog posts. Instead of closing the laptop like a good boy, I read all the new posts, which included at least 5 new pieces of technology that I needed to go learn about...but couldn't since I was on vacation. Cue mild anxiety attack. I was a miserable wreck of a human being for at least 3 hours after that. Even Halo 3 could not soothe me.

So kids, the moral of the story is this:

• If you're going to take a vacation, don't do it half-assed. Either you're on vacation or you're not, there's no gray area.
• If you are on a real vacation where your ultimate goal is to relax, and you are a learning obsessed techno-fiend, for the love of <diety/> don't read your damn RSS feeds until your vacation is over.
• Halo 3 is actually a pretty lame game. I realize that I will be branded a heretic forever, but seriously... while the graphics are beautiful, audio is beautiful, and there is great joy in killing everything in sight - I still feel like a cow being led through a chute. The "dynamic" environment feels limited, and, the real reason I hate the game: I always run out of ammo before I can kill everybody! :)

I hope the lessons I learned will help others take proper vacations :)

tags: vacation  personal  anxiety  

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